One rainy winter Saturday afternoon my 13 year old daughter, my 11 year old son and I went to the mall shopping. Early on in our adventure my son found a pair of khaki cargo pants that he liked. They were not too wide in the legs, had just the right pockets and, so, we bought two pair.
In the following hour while scouring the mall for jeans to suit my daughter, I kept finding myself holding the bag. Somehow, without my noticing it, my son kept slipping me his shopping bag which held his khaki cargo pants. I could never figure out how it happened, but I kept returning it to him.
Finally, while waiting for my daughter to emerge from the dressing room, I looked down to find the shopping bag once again in my hand.
“Cabell,” I said, “How is it that I keep ending up holding your shopping bag?”
He smiled at me, shrugged his shoulder and said, “It’s part of the Secret Handbook of Boys.”
“The Secret Handbook of Boys?” I asked.
“Sure, ” he replied. “In the oral history of the Secret Handbook of Boys we learn things like that;like how to always slip your mother the shopping bag to carry.”
I had to just stare at him in a moment of revelation. Of course, I thought, I should have all along known that there is a Secret Handbook of Boys. My son has always done things that I would never have even thought about much less have been able to teach him in some way, so a Secret Handbook of Boys surely must exist.
“So,” I asked, “Where do you learn about the Secret Handbook of Boys?”
Cabell and I have a long history of honest conversation and he looked me in the eye to reveal this information without hesitation.
“In family life class,” he stated frankly.
“In family life class?” I asked.
“Sure,” he replied. “You know how in family life they separate the girls and the boys? Well, the girls have to learn all that stuff about how babies are born, but, you know, that really doesn’t apply to us. I mean, you know, it’s not going to happen to us. So, we have this man teacher and we talk about the Oral History of the Secret Handbook of Boys. If we finish early then, I don’t know, we shoot some hoops or something. And, then, if we see one of the women teachers coming we just turn on the television like we’ve been watching the film all along.”
“So,” I pondered, just trying to take it all in, “Family life doesn’t apply to you all?”
“No,” he shrugged.
“And, what do you learn in the Oral History of the Secret Handbook of Boys?”
“Well, we learn how to make that fart noise with your underarm and we learn stuff like how to burp the ABCs.”
At that point Emma emerged from the dressing room.
I guess other tidbits from the handbook will just have to wait.
It is only speculation on my part, but I am thinking that boys find family life time throughout school to advance right on through the Oral History of the Secret Handbook of Boys to the Secret Handbook of Supposedly Grown-up Men where they learn things like how to communicate baseball instructions while wiping your nose and how to use the head butt to convey admiration.
All I know is that I’m likely to never figure it all out and women are probably doomed forever to be left holding the bag and having the babies.